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I hugged someone else's mom at a park once and now mine won't pick me up bc I smell like other mom now 
They're boarding the Diamond, Platinum, Gold level passengers now. Next is Silver, Copper, Recycled Aluminum and then me: Old Paper Scraps.
Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
OK ...... so the People have spoken. Question: "Is anybody listening?"
Dieting is all about portion control. You want that Big Mac? Go ahead! One bite a day.
I'm almost positive that just before I get to Wallys some mental institution drops off its patients to go shopping
Went to Walmart and some lady was escorted out of the store as she was complaining that all the bananas were bent...
When something big comes out from your life, smaller ones enter.
Trying to find a name for your child really exposes how many people you have met in your life that you now hate
My daughter says she can't wait to drink coffee and stay up past 9:00 so don't ever forget we are living the dream here, guys
Kinda wanted to watch IT, but I realized I’m broke. So, just gonna look into this mirror instead.
mechanic says the weird sound I hear in my car is me sighing
I still remember the day my father promoted me to general disappointment.
Fun fact: Daylight saving time is almost a 100 years old. It was enacted on March 19 1918.
I was always told, "KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!" And ever since I received that sage advice, I've never lost my house or car keys!
I took some bad medicine and have been out for a while. What did I miss? Is Kanye president?
My doctor told me to stay off sugar until I’m done taking the meds he prescribed, he has 28 twitter followers, what does he even know?
As we grow older, gravity becomes more and more evident. Things begin sagging, drooping and bouncing. It's still better than the alternative. No, I don't mean death. I mean f@t going up.
Hiding people's status' on your news feed is the best way of sayin' fck you're annoying but, I don't wanna delete you cuz' you'll notice.
If one despises losers, and one is a loser. Does that loser despise them self ? 