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I have Monday phobia ima shut my eyes and when I open them please be Thursday :-) 
going to have some explaining to do if I ever accept my new GF's friend request...
I've been listening and wondering all day, and then it hit me. The ice cream truck isn't going to run because of the holiday.
"Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife" [groom looks at bride], groom says "Is this the only time you never answer for me in front of everybody?"!
When people say they "live their life" it usually just means "party hard." It doesn't mean "learn a lot about stuff that interests you", "volunteer to help people less fortunate than you", or "enjoy the benefits of a good night of sleep."
Okay Garbanzo we get it. Your 14-year old girlfriend is fat, ugly and cut herself shaving while drunk.
It's frustrating when you know exactly what something means but not how to explain it
I've learned a lot from women...Especially how to get out of a speeding ticket..Like crying for instance... It just doesnt work for women... Totally freaks the pol!ce out seein a man cry
You call it an invitation to your wedding. I call it an invitation to free food and alcohol.
I'm not saying movies are getting watered down these days, but The Bourne Constipation was just plain awful...
The only thing worse than finding ants in your pants is finding Jerry Sandusky in them.
The next Mission Impossible movie should be two hours of Tom Cruise trying not to jump onto a couch after drinking seven Red Bulls.
Tim Hortons needs one of those highway construction signs for the drive thru, expect delays
We live in a generation of not being in love, and not being together. But we sure make it feel like we're together because we're scared to see each other with somebody else *Drake*
People who post pics of themselves after they have had sex need to be shot.
Life is short, we only get to live it once, so live and love and give it all you got!!
It bothers me that Jared from Subway has not yet been eaten by a grizzly bear.
so....my wife is going to start an all-girl punk band....it'll be called Fistful of Midol....Yea, they'll only play for a week each month tho....
pics of food?? really.. ??? facebook or menubook
taking the whole box of Oreos to your room because you dont want to make too much noise in the kitchen and wake someone up. end up eating the whole box because you have the munchies like crazy 