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NEVER mix internet p0rn and mountain dew. Trust me on this one 
gang related violence has went up 50 percent in my house since I took the kids play station from them
I just saw a commercial for Air Wick's new National Parks scents...does this mean that they've added a "hint of smoke" smell to Yellowstone's fragrance?
glow in the dark condoms are so much more fun for Star Wars fans.
Okay so you wake up to a naked Mickey Rourke in your bed....what mixture or drugs and alcohol do you take to kill yourself?
I bet before the judges enter their courtrooms, they smack each other on the ass and say, "Now get out there and do some justice."
Secret to satisfying women; Under-promise but over-deliver!
Attn. Northern People: Yeah, you should stock up on flashlights, but Lite Brites spelling "Were All Gonna Die" is festive and functional.
Pooping twice is on my "two doo" list.
Rocky Mountain High? John Denver was able to foresee the future! Well, except for the whole running out of gas in an airplane thing.
Why can't I just win the stupid lottery already?
2 things you never guess on women: age & weight....wrong answers hurt
I don't think I could ever stab someone...I can barely get the straw into a Capri Sun!
after 4 days with the flu, I think I've ended the worldwide shortage of snot...
So Christian Ponder is engaged to Samantha Steele. In typical Christian Ponder style, after the wedding there will be NO RECEPTION
I think I'd be a good role model for plants!
likes to pretend he is in a parade when he is stuck in traffic.
Turns out "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop" is NOT an effect pick-up line.
Reading someone's status and thinking 'OH CRY ME A RIVER'
girlfriends are like The History Channel. They always bring up old s?it 