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I survived Alberta Flood 2013 
I pick my nose like it's going to make me a sandwich afterward.
I need to get a refund for my "DO NOT ARREST THIS MAN" t-shirt.
I'm an overachiever when it comes to underachieving in life.
Facebook is now taking way too long to open pages and sh it!!! So the meltdown begins.
Sad news. Morgan Freeman passed away again today. ..This is twice in two months
All panties are edible if you're hungry enough.
Nothing makes a guy clean his house faster than a woman saying "I'm on my way".....
My back is killing me from picking up all these chicks.
What's that word to describe the aching sadness of missing someone you've never met? Oh yeah, INSANITY.
I used to love your updates. Then you pissed me off, and now your updates piss me off too.
Make me sleep on the couch so I know our love is real.
That uneasy moment when you cant remember if you like her, miss her, hate her, love her, if you know her...
I've just heard the tragic news about Taylor Swift. My heart is broken for her and her family. Sending them all my thoughts and prayers. She hasn't died, she's just making more music.
Harlem Shake....Off a cliff
When I die am donating my corpse to the ground.
I got 66 problems coz my life is upside down!
It has been a over year since I've been with women.... I think I need to start collecting cats?
Don't twerk in front of me and expect me not to gravitate towards that ass
Huma Abedin - because having to whip out an ID or debit card with "Huma Weiner" on it and expecting people to suppress the involuntary giggles is just too much. 