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Top 3 Baby Names of 2020....1) "👌"... 2) "😜"... 3) "🚬" 
Gf: are you crying right now? Me: *hides Adele's new album* what? hell no. Real men don't cry babe.
My New Years resolution is to never make New Years resolutions!
If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… Like you ate a pinecone every single day.
If KFC Owner would pull a Sterling, they would go out of business.
recovering from this long work day with my friend, Char...donnay!
I knew a guy that was a dyslexic agnostic insomniac, He'd lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Nobody remembers who came in second. Bernie who.....?
The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my Birthday, very nice. But misunderstood, when I said, "I wanna watch".
Why is Dr. Ben Carson still in the Republican presidential race? We don't need a crazy brain surgeon as our next leader.
We must take this country BACK to make it great again. Mill jobs for children! Full-body wool swimsuits for women! Tuberculosis for all!
So blunt you could smoke me.
If God wanted us to save money for retirement he wouldn't have invented online shopping
Devil with the blue dress on...oh wait is that a Gold dress. Well, either way .....the prince of darkness is a cross-dresser.
Harrison Fords plane crashed??? I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area
Sam Smith's voice should be a scented candle. Just sayin'...
Dating is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.
You ever wonder why eye glasses don't exist in the future? Star Wars? No glasses. Star Trek? No glasses. Battle Star Galatica? No glasses. No one wears glasses in the future! Something to look forward to.
Are you a cigarette? Cause you got a hot butt !
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. 