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just headbutted his cat because he was trying to eat my bacon. 
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if I failed the breathalizer.
Without ME, it's just AWESO
Just because I'm drive, doesn't mean I can't drunk!!!
Why don't you cram some of that make up down your throat so you can be pretty on the inside>?
3 words, 8 letters. 3 syllables, 5 vowels, 3 consonants, 2 nouns, one emotion, many meanings, a big lie, a rare truth: I LOVE YOU!
I think Osama will be the next Megatron
Cant believe why jews didn't come up with "my mind on my money and my money on my mind."
atheists only exist cause they haven't tasted this grilled cheese I just made.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
if Americans took all that energy they spend insulting bieber and snooki and diverted it to the gym am sure you would be much happier and skinny
first comes the engagement ring, then the wedding ring and finally the suffering
making love to your pregnant wife is like putting gas in a car you've already wrecked.
if praying works why are churches full of fat people?
picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!
knows is all. I just cant remember it all at once!
"She came to me one night. explored my body.. licked.. sucked.. swallowed. when satisfied she left. I was hurt... Damn mosquito!" you DIRTY MIND! LOL!
if you bet an emo kid 20 bucks that he won't kill himself, you'll either be 20 bucks richer or break even
wonders why there is no swine flu in Iran and asks if it is because of veils or not
Help me, My stomach is eating my throat.......this is a job for pizza man.... 