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The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA. 
I had my first gay experience today. I washed the dishes.
Its not my fault I have a double-chin...when God was giving out chins..I thought he said Gin so I said I'll have a double.
Behind every successful woman is a man staring at her butt.
If you think your job stinks, think about the kid that cleans the bathroom at Taco Bell
Dear Santa, us big girls like toys too just put them in the second drawer of my nightstand!
Girl I would strap 45 lb plates to my ball sack and swim up the Amazon river with Rosie O'Donnell's queef as my air supply to prove my value to you.
People say weed smokers are lazy. Well guess what as*holes, the blunt doesn't pass it self. And it sure isn't rolling it self.
It's a good thing Whoopi Goldberg can use one of her dreads as a tampon if she ever runs out.
I love yoga pants as much as the next guy, but now I also know that my sister has a great ass.
Baghdad / Done , Damascus / Under Process - Cairo / Next
♬ Boots on the ground, boots on the ground, looking like a fool with boots on the ground! ♬
When a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.95 a minute!!
Hey brain, tell the idiot that Carona is not a screw top!! Signed, the skin between the thumb and fore finger.
apparently people dont like it when I tell the truth.... well honestly IDGAF!! :)
That awkward moment when you've been drinking, waiting for your girl come over and she calls to say she being arrested and needs you to come get her car from the cops before it gets impounded.
Who cares if taco bell isn't using all beef, whatever it is it taste good and it's playing the part!
says yeah, yeah Aguilera messed up the lyrics, probably because she was afriad of getting sexually assaulted by the Roethlisberger...
upset :( threw my iPhone with the "flight mode" on, but it didn't fly...
sniffing coke and ice cubes got stuck in my nose 