lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Egyptian Pres. Mubarak refuses to heed calls to step down. He seems to be in denial--which coincidentally is where his body will be found if he doesn't resign.

   You always get what you pay for. Nothing proves this more than toliet paper.

   Whenever I flush a bug down the toilet,I have to watch and make sure it dosen't come back, zombie style, with revenge in it's tiny heart.

   If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

   I said to my girlfriend "Just remember,my grandmother is a bit old & hard of hearing. So speak nicely,speak slowly & speak loudly." I then whispered to my perfectly capable grandmother "My girlfriend is slightly retarded." Oh,what fun I had.

   My next door neighbour's battery went in his Smart car today. I had to give him a jump start from my iPod.

   People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

   A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

   I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought. Then I realised I'd left the "R" out.

   I love your approach. Now let's see about your departure.

   I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.He said, "Sarah... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

   People are more opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass old ladies and supermodels than argue with motorcycle gangs.

   I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.

   I have no sense of proportion. Which causes me big problems. Or small ones. I'm not sure

   Keep smiling. But not to the point where people begin to think you're mentally unbalanced.

   I haven't been to work in four days. I've almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.

   Tip to reduce weight: first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right, repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

   Of course,men can multitask. They read on the toilet.

   You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

   Don't worry about what other people think because they rarely ever do.