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whenever I see an ugly baby, I say...GOO!!!! Thanks Adam Sandler 
i think we should call comedians laughletes
my cat jus tryed to hump my dog, I guess its like hes wearing catnip goggles
Whenever I read the phrase "We've changed our privacy policy," I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I think some people just shouldn't be allowed to reproduce because of their IQ level.
I'm ambidextrous; I can drink and make love equally well with either my left or right hand.
Their truck said "on site drug screening"..... those A$$holes wouldn't let me screen a single drug..
My Wife is so childish. She comes in the bathroom when I'm in the bath and sinks my boats.
I'm a Hangman master when we play using binary.
Despite the cost of living, it's still popular!
When I see a guy tweeting nothing but sweet quotes for women, I feel bad for him. It has to suck never having a girlfriend.
I can never tell a girl I like her so instead I climb up her window while she's sleeping and whisper how I feel while playing with her hair. Collapse
The one thing that I'll never understand is women, tofu, yoga, and counting...
Just watched a minute of Gossip Girl and suddenly I got a call from some Salon to confirm my manicure & pedicure appointment.
Reading texts half asleep is like looking into the sun.
Vodka makes the world unwound.
sad that all it takes is a CAPTCHA to prove you're human these days
I like when the carpet matches the drapes......and by carpet I mean Shag rug.
I need to do something reproductive today. Happy Father's Day
It's Sunday. If god is watching, the least you can do is be entertaining. 