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Seriously guys, I'm a virgin. No woman finds me attractive. 
Wives, husbands talk in their sleep because it's the only time they get a chance to talk.
A man agreeing with a woman doesn't mean he agrees with her. It's just away to shut her up.
Can you tell me how to get....... How to get to craaaazzzy town..... How to get to crazy town..... how to get to crazy town..... how to get to crazy town.
What do you call a ghost bee? ...... A boo bee.
Running with the Spanish bulls, Seattle WA and Portland OR, tonight, live on Pay per view
Just broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
I've social distancing most of my life - now everybody's doing it. Now I'm just waiting for everybody to experiment with autoerotique asphyxiation.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Which wine pairs best with Spicy chicken Ramen ?
Some drink from fountain of knowledge others just gargle
If you gonna keep going back to a toxic relationship, deactivate yer social media
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I really hate to make you people cry but Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from Kanye West.
Waxing my car. God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet” And not “buyarrhea”
I'm "When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head" years old.
That black cat had more yards the. Jason Witten 🤪❤️
Hand dryers in restrooms are just drying your washed hands with doodoo air... 