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It's slushing! Which is how we say in the South it's snowing. 
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
There’s an alternate universe some place where Hoobastank is the halftime show.
It's Valentine's Day so I'm spending time with my true love...yes I'm in the garage.
nothing sacred? First girls allowed in the Boy Scouts and now Pitbull in NASCAR.
Marking myself safe from singles awareness day.
Don't worry Texans, the snow will disappear like magic in April.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I swore off men….it lasted 3 1/2 minutes.
There’s no such thing as a covid vaccine, they just inject you with a really small guy that builds pillow forts around your cells so the virus can’t enter
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
you wanna get into my pants, feel free. They’re over there on the floor. Haven’t worn them in months.
I want my covid vaccine to be delivered via blow dart
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Two Section 8's in a relationship don't make 16.
Alright good work team, we’ve made all the ship jokes and we can stop now 