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I'd like to cancel my 6 week trial of socialism please... 
Can bone spurs keep you out of prison?
Just found out this Beanie Baby collection was not a great investment.
S.H.I.T. So Happy It's Thursday!!!
What are the three fastest forms of communication? Television, telephone, tellawoman.
I Liked your Status and now 25 notifications later........I'm hating me for Liking your status!
As a girl walks into a typical club, she mentally prepares to be hit on by everything with a penis.
"My phone's about to die." - Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.
Steve Jobs' text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" autocorrect gone bad strikes again!
I remember a time when our country put aside its differences and came together as one. To show our contempt for Hollywood awards shows.
I think the phrase "Cop an Attitude" is totally ironic considering most cops I've ever come across have sh*tty attitudes.
just wanted to say thank you for having that physically disabled license plate on ur car and letting me know in advance that you have no idea how to drive
There are two types of people: Those who try to boil water in their toaster, and cowards.
'm 50 and my girlfriend is 22. When we went out last night everyone at the bar made faces and call me a Pedophile. It Completely ruine our 10TH Anniversary
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback
My wife and I was at Home Depot the other night when she informed me she'd like a golden shower... what happened next has me sleeping on the couch for a long time.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.... *If I ever forget my passport, this post doubles as proof of U.S. citizenship.*
America is shocked & disgusted when Bill Clinton admits he had sexual relations with Hilary.
Been almost ten years single. A friend asked if I masturbated a lot. I said no, I don't want to get dust all over the place.
If your significant other wont swallow the milk left over in a bowl of cereal, chances are that's not all they won't swallow. 