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Dear hefty girl Walmart shopper. It may feel like summer, but your shirt and shorts are way to small. You look like a half open can of biscuits. 
Apparently splicing teflon into the genetic genome of humans really works!!! Just ask Hillary!
Pres. Barack Obama arrives in Dallas where he is expected to deliver a highly personal and emotional speech at a memorial service for the 5 slain police officers. Obama will also find out who shot J.R. Ewing too.
Lester Holts hairline was the real loser of the debate.
I caught my wee brother sniffing my girlfriend’s knickers today. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’ve been wearing them all week.
Happy Valentines day!! Or as I like to call it, Thursday
Justin Beiber wants to beat off reporters. Only male reporters, Beiber isn't interested in touching females.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
1..2..3.. SMILE! "...... "did you take it yet?" "crap its on video!"
Coffee makes the world go round; love only populates it!
I named my truck Karma, so if I ever run someone over I can say: Yeah…it was Karma.
when I was little not only did I have to walk to school..my dad would drive by and flip me off.
Ironically it's the things people don't say that tell you everything you need to know.
Today,,,, I feel like I need the vulgarity expansion pack for autocorrect
I can never invite the neighbors into my house because they might recognize their stuff.
The ironic part about killing time is that it's slowly killing you.
It's sad, 'cause strawberries probably hear "strawberry preserve" and think they're safe.
On a scale from 1 to dyslexic, how 10 am I?
I guess eBay brings out my competitive side........Anyway, this $1,800 can of peas better be good.
When you think about it, it's probably best not to think about it. 