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Not sure if I just watched the Superbowl or a three hour commercial? 
Cow farts come from the dairy air... I'll see myself out.
If Ireland contributed to the Perseverance Mission, would that make it an Irish Rover?
I drink Coca-Cola to help clean off all of the pennies in my stomach
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[first time at a rave] These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
There are some words you can't just take back, no matter how sorry you say you are.
Some one really need to teach Facebook people the concept behind the saying, "If its not broken, don't fix it". The new NEWSFEED is just hideous. And now I cant filter sh!t that I hate.
As a comedian, people don't care about you until you speak, then they like you. As a model it's the opposite.
I'm trying not to judge, but your silver front teeth scream "Medi-Cal".
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
Actually, officer,,, I prefer to think that PBR smells like me.
I think I should tell you what people are saying behind your back.……. Nice Ass!!
They don't want to learn they just want to be right!
im tired of arguing with myself.. I wish I would just stfu and mind my own business..
I think everything my children have said for the past 48 hours has been in the form of a question. I'm living in Alex Trebek's nightmare.
Fortunately women have the miraculous ability to change the meaning of their actions after the event.
I wish the cast of Jersey Shore had to compete in the Hunger Games.
The best place to hide a dead body is page 2 of Google search results. 