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My wife is mad at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I *am* getting pretty tired of carrying it around all the time. 
To put 1.5 billion dollars into perspective. It's $5 for every person in the US or almost enough to send 2 kids to college.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Enjoy watching Suicide Squad by leaving 121 minutes before it finishes....
I'm just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
If I was in a car with James Corden and he turned on the radio, I would open the door and get out while the car was still moving.
"Where are you?" must be the least used phrase in sign language
I guess COVID is now spreading into the fish population. Apparently a bunch of marlins have it.
Gyms are open ! Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Times are tough so once again I will be selling nude photos of myself. $5 to get one. $25 to get none...
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I used my husband’s deodorant, so if you need me to explain how to throw a football I can do that for you.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code. nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Face tattoos should come with a mandatory monitoring device on their ankle...
When I think about all that potatoes have done for me I get a little teary eyed
when someone you thought looked great for 50 announces they’re 41 there is no way to unfurrow your brow in time
Did you know that the sentence "Are you as bored as I am" can be read backwards and still makes sense?
You know you are getting old when you look forward to going to bed before midnight, instead of staying up after.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard Wife: *smirking* ok Me: *pulls out my game boy*
When I was a kid we used to call Facebook soap operas. 