Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When someone I like deletes me, I think "Why? What did I do?" Then I eat real food, have real sex and high five real people I actually know.

   Should say in that religious book.. The Reason God created marriage.. So death wasn't so disappointing.

   Blocked someone for correcting my grammer and it feelded so good...

   Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says "Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!" & starts crying

   It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

   I think it’s pretty cool how the media could cure the Corona virus with a bigger news story.

   Jeez I thought my dating life was bad before the Coronavirus.

   I guarantee there's a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks 'Covid' would be a lovely name for their child.

   What do you call a man who has everything?...... A bachelor.

   Depressed? Just imagine Ozzy Osbourne struggling to pour a giant jar of change into a Coinstar.

   Its not that I'm heartless, its that I'm using my heart less.

   I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

   Last year my friend left for Paris to go to Mime school and was never heard from again...

   Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

   My Therapist told me not to drink while I'm on my Meds but little does she know... I've been off my Meds for almost a week now!

   I told my boss I wanted to take some mental health leave but I was all out. He said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."

   There is absolutely never a good reason to substitute "anywho", for real words like anyhow or anyways...Ever...I think I would rather listen to fingernails scratching the blackboard...

   Batman based his superhero name off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero name would be "interactingwithpeopleman"

   I hate when I'm watching porn and my mom walks in. what is my mom doing in this p0rn?

   I wish we lived in a better world. A world where I can order mozzarella sticks, and not get judged or quetioned when I ask them to put cheese on them