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Haven't had ice cream or alcohol in two weeks. I'm not sure which is more impressive but I did used to make alcoholic milkshakes. 
Interior designers say your home should have a theme. Mine is toys on the floor of every room, paired with piles of laundry as focal points.
Sorry I unfollowed you but you said regular fries are just as good as sweet potato fries,, and that's a lie.
It's sad when I'm too lazy to wash my car. That means I'm too lazy to play on my phone while my car sits on a conveyor belt.
Do most people on Twitter use their real pictures?!?! Heck, I'm watching a cabbage argue about atheism with a cat.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect - A Guide to Dying Alone
Things I do for klondike bars: 1) Buy them 2) Steal them 3) You
Rule number one for our new Ice Maker: If ice falls, kick it under the fridge.
How To Tell If Your Kid Is Doing Drugs: 1. Are your drugs missing?!?!
You're only as stupid as the idiot you're arguing with....
It's not you, it's you not having air conditioning.....
The homeless shelter is a great place to meet people with a degree in "Street Smart".
Either guys really do get a period once a month or they are making commercials way more heart wrenching. Why are my thighs so fat?
Don't Tell The Kids #3: But the dog isn't currently living on a farm.
Cut the crap, everybody knows you got your fedora at Target.
Hell won't take me because I stopped paying my membership dues in 1998.
They need to bring back beatings in schools because I know a few people who need to go back and learn a lesson the hard way.
Just saw a dolphin that had a tattoo of a white girl on its rear fin.
No offense but I wanna set you on fire.
If you write a bunch of tweets about the farmers market from your couch on Sunday morning you can trick people into thinking you do stuff. 