Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   therapist: and what motivation will we use ? me: hate fueled spite ? therapist: no

   If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

   Thanks Facebook for showing me dating websites, but I don't think dating strangers looking to hook up would be a stella way to socially distance myself right now, but maybe after the Coronavirus!

   I keep the streets safe at night by staying home.

   Went looking for milk but all they had was nut milk no one seemed to want, which makes me wonder if calling it nut milk had anything to do with that?

   I love reading books that are based on real events but spiced up with a little fiction to keep your interest, kinda like people's Facebook posts.

   My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

   Thxs for all the b-day wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex, 1dollar Cashapp, bitcoins n Zelle

   Thanks to Facebook I think I now have the attention span of a goldfish.

   i like interacting with people except on days that end with a Y

   Fyre Festival Attendee: "I'll have a cheese sandwich." Fyre Festival Host: "Here you go, that'll be $1200.00." FF Attendee: "Hey, still cheaper than a sandwich at the airport."

   Without a shadow of a doubt, if my boss and I were "FB friends", I would've been fired over 5 times through the years...and forced to submit to at least 2 mental health evals...

   My wife gets the last word in any argument. Anything I said after that is considered the start of a new argument.

   X and Jayden K. Smith are now friends.

   Everybody make sure to remind your ex's that there is a solar eclipse today and you strongly encourage to look at it .

   ..School has started. I got my life back. What evey mother is thinking.

   Most wives don't mind if their husband bring some work home to do. But my sister does, her husband is a mortician.

   Hmmm, everyone sharing memories like we all wanna slice.....

   Salad? You mean crunchy sadness?

   I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.