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How does the Hamburglar introduce his girlfriend....... Meet Patty. 
Face off was probably the worst movie we watched as kids. Imagine believing Nicolas Cage’s wrist size face could fit on John Travolta’s massive head.
The coffee's not cutting it this morning. So please help me activate those "Feel Good" dopamine chemicals in my brain by liking this status. Thanks!
I find you're total lack of ambition is inspiring.
"The worst fault that people have is telling other people theirs."
Picking your nose doesn't make you a bad person, but what you do with the booger will define you.
I asked my mechanic what would happen to my car if I stepped on the gas and break at the same time, he looked at me and told me the car would take a screenshot.
The secret to a happy marriage.... Jack Daniels on the rocks
My friend in Quebec is a heavy drinker. In fact he drank Canada Dry
The sheep lives its whole life in fear of the wolf only to be eaten by the shepherd...
Never trust a woman born on her birthday
*My mother inlaw is so old, that she has an autograph copy of the Bible.
I don't care how old I am. If a toy says "Try Me" on it, I'm pushing those buttons...
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
The neighbor is having an open home How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Don't be afraid to cut people off-Lorena Bobbitt
“Can I get a umm...” -every person ever at the drive thru
I used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I asked the lead singer of Hall & Oates to name one of his favorite bands. He said, "KISS is on my list."
Need your help Friends.... I'm looking for sponsors to prove that money can't make me happy.....Please send generous donations so I can conduct my experiment! 