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i am starting a go-fund-me page to gave a giraffe a c-section 
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
If you are ever stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, give them each a 5-Hour Energy drink just before returning them to Mom and Dad.
Ahhh, the sound of silence on Twitter. I thought I'd never see the day.
I went to Disneyland but I don't remember it. I think somebody slipped me a Mickey at the snack bar.
"Hermit crab" describes me twice.
Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.
: Scaramucci (n) a verry confident guy who doesn't last long.
Pyongyang can't party. It has no Seoul.
why are wedding dresses white? because you want the dishwasher to match the rest of the appliances
HER: Will you miss me? ME: Only if you run in a zig-zag pattern
I’m pretty sure the most dangerous mixed drink is alcohol and Facebook
Super Bowl LII: Patriots vs. Eagles. If it were any more patriotic, it'd be crapping fireworks out of it's end zone. 'Murica!
Do necrophyliacs need dead batteries for their sex toys?
Opened a Christmas card today and rice fell out....Must have been fro Uncle Ben.
9 months from now the next baby boom will be called the CV19s and the top names will be Charmin, Angel & Scott
Aswe end week 2 of the lockdown, I wonder if OsamaBinLadin stuck in his house with 3 wives n kids decided to call in those Navy Seal himself
My armpits smell like garlic bread. Me, flirting
I want to be a pharmacist just so I can yell "Now take these suppositories and shove'em straight up your ars!"
Just purchased the Barbie doll Collector's Edition. Comes complete with a pre-nup and all of Ken's stuff! 