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I hate being called a heavy drinker so I'm going to start eating less and lose a few pounds. 
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
I wish I were an octopus so I could hug you, grab your ass, grope your boobies, play Playstation, and eat Pizza all at the same time.
Alcohol poisoning must suck. I can't imagine what it's like being poisoned by the one you love
My five-year-old: “I don’t want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!” No two-week notice or anything. She’d better not expect a reference.
"Blinded By The Light" is my favorite song about what happens to people when I take my shirt off outside for the first time each year.
L.A. unions push for 15 dollar an hour minimum wage. Now that it's here, L.A. unions ask the city to exclude union companies from 15 dollar minimum wage... Because the union cares about its workers!!!
my husband embraced me tightly and inhaled deeply because I smelled like icy hot. this is how we flirt now.
Holding a grudge don't make you strong; it makes you bitter. Forgiving doesn't make you weak; it sets you free.
A 99-year-old guy and his 96-year-old wife getting divorced. They never got along and people kept saying, “Why did you wait so long to get a divorce?” And they said, “We want to wait until the kids were dead.”
Spicer reminds me of a toddler who got caught with his hands in the cookie jar, and crumbs on his face, trying to convince everyone that he wasn't the person who took the cookies.
"Damn, this is going to get ugly" I thought, as my wife removed her makeup!
QAnon is nothing but a trailer park Scientology.
Had too much to think last night
Be kind to the people wearing masks while driving who might be the people delivering your food.
Not today, Satan. Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Whiskey is not the answer. Whiskey is the question, yes is the answer.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess* *pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
After further review, Arron Hernadez's feet did not touch the ground. The ruling in the cell stands. 