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Can you put tequila in a humidifier? Just asking for a friend. 
I'm having a terrible day. There's a suppository behind my ear and I can't find my pencil.
So how does this work? Do we send our dollar bills to the NFL or do we pay JLo directly?
Whoever this guy with TDS is, it's hysterical that he's perpetually beside himself with no one ever agreeing with him. I guess mommy and daddy let him have his way and he just can't deal with the rejection.
The Coronavirus is like pasta. The Chinese invented it, but the Italians are spreading it all over the world.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
tested positive for missing my homies
How long are we supposed to do this social distancing thing? My wife keeps trying to get back into the house.
For the first time since 1945, the Scripps National Spelling Bee has been cancul... cancill... cansi... called off.
Neighbor's python just swallowed my Paula Abdul CD. He's a cold hearted snake.
Dear YouTube: Please just assume that I'd like to "skip ad". You don't need to ask anymore.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be. I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
my dad calls me BJ because that's all I was ever supposed to be :(
When someone says "Only God can judge me" what they are really saying "I know it's wrong but I still don't care."
I have decided to host the Oscars
The best credit card rewards program is to avoid credit card debt.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.
Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 5 year old.
Only resort to violence if necessary like if a coworker says "another day in paradise".
Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn." Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?" 