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I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you 
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
The next person to take my status seriously is getting $500
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Autocorrect can be your best fiend or your worst enema.
This year's "must have" Halloween costume is a level 4 biohazard suit
How come no one has came up with a skeleton turkey inflatable with a santa hat on so you can put it out october 1st and take it down after Christmas.
Baker: Is there a problem? Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Lysol kills 99.9% of germs, yet you’re still here.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Marriage tip #2: If your wife is acting kind of tired, to help her out, you can make her a to-do list. And when you give it to her, she will be thankful that you did all the thinking work for her.
NASA plans on looking for water on other planets besides Mars..... I would drink water from other planets. I’m not sure about water from Uranus, though
The last time I went to see my uncle in hospital the nurse was rubbing vaseline on his back He went down hill very quickly afterwards
Well one thing about Burger King's new Impossible vegan whooper compared the classic Whopper is you don't have to wonder if it's actually made out of meat.
No bathe November is going to make Thanksgiving interesting...
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
A man and woman in Britain became the oldest couple in the world to divorce — they are both 98 years old. It was an ugly breakup. She found another woman’s teeth in their bedroom.
My idea Black Friday is deleting everyone from my friends list who sent me a mass Happy Thanksgiving day meme yesterday.
You know you are a VW bus owner if part of your household budget includes a "Bus needs" section. 