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My New Years resolution is simple…. Remember to write 2017 instead of 2016 
Due to slow sales, Apple CEO Tim Cook has been given a 15 percent pay cut. Or as Cook is spinning it, he’s coming out with a thinner more lightweight wallet.
Face your life, don't Facebook your life
There is nothing worse than watching the new guy at Subway make your sandwich.
It's like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"
Throughout the 90's, during its infancy, the internet was referred to as the Information Superhighway. Little did we realize, that in such a short amount of time, it would become the Information Stupidhighway.
Dear Razor blade Commercials: Stop shaving beautiful smooth legs to impress me... If you want to sell me a razor blade shave a freaking gorilla.
"Don't MAKE me turn this beat around!" -Gloria Estefan yelling at her kids.
The truth shall set you free. Unless you are in court. Then you should probably just shut up.
Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is just a guy stopping for a cigarette.
Job Hunting Tip: Before you go into a job interview, Dump Gatorade over your head so everyone knows your a winner.
No one will really notice your awkwardness if you turn it into a dance routine.
I've been putting Root Beer in a square glass all evening. I'm still not drunk.
Everyone I've met named Sheldon looks like they should be named Sheldon
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?” -Inventor of grapefruit
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
If you're wondering what all the talk about "Karens" means. It's a large group of women in charge of the homeowners association.
I started wearing a mask before everyone started doing it, but then again I've always been a trendsetter like that.
My mouth was numbed and I licked all over my orthodontist’s finger thinking it was my gums so now I can never go back and will have braces forever
price doesn't always equal quality. A 50 dollar hooker works harder than 250 dollar hooker. 