Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Advice to men: If a woman ever says "Are you wearing that?" it should never be worn. It's best to throw it away now. Trust me on this one. 
I don't think a child should win America's Got Talent, because performing at 2 am in a Las Vegas casino is simply too cruel.
A lady would text you at 8:10 and expect you to text back at 8:09
Your popularity in High School will translate well into the real world!!!
My Mom always told me to carry a scissors point upward so if I fall I wouldn't ruin her carpet.
How To Fit In At Work: Use fancy catch phrases like "at the end of the day."
We didn't pay attention to each other before phones, we just hid it better...
Having a basset hound is like having a teenage boy. He sleeps til noon, doesn't listen to me and his feet smell like corn chips.
You think you're important.....and I think you should stop thinking
"This just doesn't feel right" - me outside
if anyone needs a hand with their kegel exercises, let me know.
Watching this generation repeating nightmares from the past.
I bet it's really hard for people on Botox to give others a disapproving scowl.
I turned out liking you a lot more than I had originally planned.
When somebody asks me "What's the word?" I give them the finger because everybody knows that the Bird is the Word.
I used to like to eat footlong subs, but the periscopes always stuck in my teeth
According to my neighbor's diary, I have boundary issues.
Why did the Chicken cross the road? To show Possums it can be done!~
Valentine's Day coming up. I got chocolate covered Plan B's. HMU
I am more likely to answer a call of nature than from my credit card company 