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My mother in-law is so ugly, even a boiling tea kettle won't give her a whistle. 
Career advice for young people: be born to filthy rich parents.
Million dollar idea. A new line of make-up called Facebook Filters.
It's amazing how far humans have come since the caveman days when people used to communicate by writing on walls....oh wait, we still do. Never mind.
Putin has an amazing slap shot in the hockey game he played. Meaning you'll get slapped and then shot if you don't let him score.
I start every day with Cap'n Crunch, and end every day with Captain Morgan because apparently I want to be a Pirate..
If your ever wondering who your real friends are on facebook just delete your account and see who calls.
I'm going bananas! *What I tell my bananas when I'm leaving the house.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I could easily do all my Christmas shopping at the Cracker Barrel gift shop.
One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb
I almost just choked on a kale chip and all I could think was that this never happens with Cinnabons.
The lawsuit against Starbucks for underfilling coffee drinks is the new definition of first world problems.
Life from the 1800's, my whole family died of diarrhea last night.
Right now the most stable currency in the UK is the Cadbury Creme Egg.
OK, You're telling me you're not a slut ..... So ... Does that mean you are some kind of volunteer prostitute or something?
I thought that Pokemon Go was a facebook app that encourages Jamaicans to use the Poke feature.
BREAKING NEWS: Medical researchers have found that 100 percent of lab rats exposed to oxygen have eventually died.
Verizon buys Yahoo's "core business" for $4.8 billion. Yahoo's "core business" is of course, "email accounts last used 5 years ago."
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face. 