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(insert random song lyrics that describe how I feel, even though nobody cares) 
it takes me five minutes to get dressed and fifty-five minutes looking for my other shoe....
someday I'll sit down with my grandchildren to watch "Airplane" and they'll say, "I can't believe they used to just let people get on planes"
expecting life to treat you fairly because you're a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge at you because you're a vegetarian.
There are only two people I trust in this world... One is myself, and the other one is NOT you.
Who among us has not proclaimed into the whir of a fan, "Luke. I am your father."
getting his eraser ready for two weeks of me putting 2010 on all my papers.
just had a near death experience and other peoples' lives flashed before my eyes…I have GOT to stop being so f@#king nosey…
Fool people into thinking you have a social life by going offline for a few hours.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
It's Google's 15th birthday today. Typical fifteen year old. It's got an answer for everything.
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
Flat screens are nice and all,but they'll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
We need voter ID but we need voter IQ even more!
If your bellybutton jewelry touches the person you’re hugging before you do…you shouldn’t have bellybutton jewelry.
I am not saying you have to love me. I am just saying the duct tape will come off quicker if you do.
It's always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone's ok with that. 