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I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I've caught. 
Someone described their church as a place to go when they're lost and searching for answers. That's how I feel about the grocery store.
John Hinckley Jr. has been freed after 35 years. I hope he realizes that Jodie Foster is really not interested now.
Walmart is selling six hot dogs for a dollar if anyone wants to die.
My elderly neighbor tried to buy something online yesterday. ... anyone know how to get a credit card out of a disc drive ?
If my roof ever catches on fire, I’ll have trouble not repeating myself when I call 911.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
it still called a gas pedal on an electric car?
I think I turned back my clock way too far, I just saw a guy with a mullet at Kmart .
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
2020 is what happens when you mix tarot cards with cards against humanity.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired. My brain at 9am: I’m tired. My brain at 1pm: I’m tired. My brain at 5pm: I’m tired. My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I’ve been trying to start my truck with my house key since 7am this morning, there’s no way I’m gonna stop now.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I forget real people’s names immediately after being introduced but I remember the Scooby-Doo gang’s names are Fred Jones, Shaggy Rogers, Daphne Blake, and Velma Dinkley.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
If I fell and hit my head really hard maybe I'll go see the new Baywatch movie. 