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Stuff your mask with M&Ms so you can eat them all day long like a horse 
watching "forensic files" & a commercial comes on about buying life insurance ... know your audience
We don't care how much money you have, how many cars and homes you own or how popular you are. Get past the dying part and then we'll be impressed.
My friend hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.
He gets his snickers in a twix.
Why isn't the Super Bowl on Saturday? My Sunday party plans end about 8pm...
I had an English professor once who told me to avoid the use of clichés in my writing. I said "Hey, you're preaching to the choir. This ain't my first rodeo and I avoid clichés like the plague. Now if you'll excuse me, I have bigger fish to fry."
If you fill a Whoopee cushion with gravy it adds a new twist to a classic practical joke.
If I owned a company, I'd make my stock symbol WTF just so I could hear the TV guys say WTF all day...
spoiler alert...tonight HBO dies
It’s very hot in most of the country. It’s like we’re trapped in the “Jersey Shore” hot tub and can’t escape.
A stranger phoned me last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my junk. The weirdo never showed up.
Contrary to popular belief, changing the toilet paper roll does not cause brain damage....
Bad News: Britain votes to leave Europe. Worst News: Mississippi says they're staying in America.
Turns out most people find History Boring ..... Which also turns out that is why they keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. (Forgive me folks ... that's an intellectual joke)
You have 20 pics of only your face, you must be so fat
.... Bernie endorsed Hillary! #FeelTheTurn
I bet Melania regrets asking Brian Williams for help writing her speech.
Bill Clinton also woke up in a White House built by sl@ves. Okay, Monica didn't actually build it nor was she a sl@ve, well sorta...
3 years 11 months and 3 weeks before renewing my interest in pole vault
"But would a trophy wife do this?", she said as she changed my car oil 