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"Until death do us part” means we're all single in heaven, right? 
Do fleas ever wonder if there's life on other dogs?
say's never go to a Doctor whose plants are dead in the waiting room!
thinks single-ply toilet paper should be a human rights violation.
70% of you might think I'm being disingenuous when I say I'm surprised that you "like" my status...The other 30% are googling "disingenuous"...
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.
There should be a statute of limitations on how long a person gets to blame their crappy childhood for their shortcomings.
You know your'e getting old when you think an XBOX is where you keep your divorce papers.
Ironically, it's really hard when you suffer from impotency
...and then Buffy staked Edward. The end
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs
I wonder how long I'd be on hold if my call wasn't important to them..
Study finds that a man looks into a woman's eyes for 8.2 seconds if he is attracted to her, 4.5 seconds if he is not, and 0.0 seconds if she's a C-cup or above
Think of a number 1 through 10. Double it, Subtract 1, add 20, multiply it by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark, isn't it?
The "Reply All" button should be password protected.
hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, freak. My dog is getting married
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Facebook's timeline is my favorite way to watch girls from high school get fat.
I invented four new karate moves while trying to get an automatic paper towel dispenser to work
Don't worry; it's only kinky the first time. 