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Whenever I get called for jury duty.., I wear my American flag onesie so the lawyers know my brand of justice is pure. 
Alright bed, be warned! I will kick your ass with some hardcore sleeping! Like five hours worth!!
Give yourself an even greater challenge than the one you are trying to master and you will develop the powers necessary to overcome the original difficulty.
Anonymous goes to doctor. During the prostate exam he says, "Hey doc your ring is kinda hurting me, can you take it off?"
The Doctor says "I'm sorry, that's not my ring that's my watch."
I used to be a male trapped inside a female's body. But then I was born and everything was OK.
And in the news today. Keith Richards is not dead yet. . .
She blinded me with science!
Well, Chemistry...
Mace. It was mace.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I was just kicked out of a restaurant because of my pants. Wasn't wearing any.
Who ever stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy.
You never hear anyone singing, wishing they can all be Alabama girls.
Hello, Acme? I'd like to order a rocket and a pair of roller skates. Oh yeah, and a sign that says "Yikes." ...No, I haven't caught him yet.
Trick your neighbors into thinking that you’re a werewolf, by sleeping naked in their garden.
Ghetto Winnie the Pooh would probably say, “Tigger please.”
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at a time
Weekend plans: Driving around downtown throwing Big Macs at girls with a thigh gap...... *bonus points for getting it into the thigh gap.
Hillary wears them long pant suits because she dosent have the typical "Camel Toe". She has what some people call "Moose Foot"
Updated Nursery Rhyme: Mary had a Chevy truck, it was so very slow, and everywhere that Mary went, her truck would need a tow. 