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If I ever lose a hand I'm definitely replacing it with a single nunchuck on a chain 
I offend people in a nice way
I don't think I should be held responsible for the things I say to fill awkward silences.
Attracting men is just like fishing. You just have to wiggle the bait.
Would like to remind all my friends who also spent Valentine's day alone, St. Patricks day is only a month away... Start drinking!
What did things taste like before there were chickens?
Sometimes you have to go through hell to get to heaven.
Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
Brexit could be followed by Grexit, Departugal, Italeave, Czechout, Oustria, Finish, Slovakout, Latervia, Byegium. Only Remania will stay.
Go fund me = internet panhandling
I watched some of the debate last night...I kept on waiting for someone to say "Live from New York it's Saturday Nite"!!!!! But it never happened.....
"No big lifestyle change for Lindsay Lohan. She'll still be hanging around the bars"
Women spend 2% of their lives trying to figure out where bruises on their legs came from
Can't get over the irony that they actually serve milk at "Hooters"
can't stop sneezing because I'm allergic to your BS....
they say eating fish makes you smarter, but the only ones you eat are the ones dumb enough to get caught
says - just when you think all your ducks are in a row, someone comes along and shoots one of them
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague
wonders what would happen if someone fell down the stairs while leaving an injury lawyers office.. 