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Ladies: guys don't care if the carpet matches the drapes as long as there is no rug on the back porch. 
If you are the "other person" in a relationship and eventually get together, you have no reason to be angry if they cheat on you later.
"It's ok! I'm a professional." ---says me in pretty much any situation
If I had a time machine I'd show Albert Einstein the Internet and ruin everything.
Trying to decide what I hate more: 1. Mondays or 2. People who complain about how much they hate Mondays
can't remember the last time I saw a commercial that didn't have to do with auto insurance, cars, beer, or b-o-n-e-r meds...
Karma is like a rubber-band...it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face!
I think the only way I'll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I'm in prison.
When Life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say "You hit like a bit$h."
I waited so long to do laundry, that now I'm headed to the Laundromat wearing my Halloween costume….
I often wonder why there is no step ladder next to the "Ball Washer" at my golf course...
Just because we share the same skin colour does not follow that I am obliged to always support you in every foolish and idiotic thing you say or do.
Ok, so it's 2012. Shouldn't we be living like the Jetsons by now?
happy and I knew it and then I clapped my hand, everyone thought I was weirdo :/
Some people are wise, Some are just other wise.
BBC News: Questions being asked why bomb detecting equipment didn't detect fake bomb on board plane which flew from London to Istanbul. Erm, because it wasn't a bomb?
Tomorrow is the end? Then I call "SHOTGUN"!!
Jail..the government's way of sending you to your room.
My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
There's no law against sticking to your guns, but make sure you've loaded your brain before you start firing off your mouth. 