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Need this election to be over so I can focus on holiday anxiety. 
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
If I've learned anything from social media, it's that we live on a planet that's disproportionately filled with inhabitants in possession of single digit IQ's.
I thought we had something. You met my family, you made me dinner, you called me Honey. Now suddenly you are just a "waitress" who was "doing her job".
The toilet roll situation has got so bad I have been forced to wipe with lettuce leaves. I fear its just the tip of the iceberg
Gas so cheap right now I don't even shake the pump after I fill up.
Had 21 minutes of doggie style sex last night. That's 3 minutes in human time.
Not saying that women walmart shoppers have bad teeth. But when the woman in line in front of me smiled. The barcode scanner rang up a set of sauce pans.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
I refused to buy my 6 year old nephew a Barbie doll for his birthday because I believe that Barbie dolls give little boys unrealistic expectations. There is no way you could rip a woman’s head off that easily.
Why is it that kids these days can shift their gender but cannot shift a manual transmission?
So what are we being offended by today? Sorry I missed the morning briefing.
I think if my rich neighbor realized just how awesome of a party he is going to have at his house tonight, he wouldn't leave for vacation.
It's annoying when you think of an awesome idea or thing to do and within the next few minutes, you completely forget what it was, but the memory of how awesome it was still lingers.
Ladies, the knight with the shiniest armour has done the least amount of brave or cool sh*t.
I think there are more pictures of cats in my news feed than people
I would like to congratulate myself on placing 18,476th in the "Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest!" ツ
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it. 