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Fact: Tan cellulite looks better than pale cellulite. 
I'm sick of the cold. I'm ready to complain about it being too hot.
Why does it take less than a minute to pay online and more than 10 days for the refund ??
The Walk Of Shame: When you toss a paper ball in the trash, miss, then have to go get it.
the difference between your mind and heart; your mind tells you what the smart thing is to do.. and your heart tells you what you're gonna do anyway.
I'm like a mosquito in a nudist camp; I know what to do, but I don't know where to start
Kurt Cobain would be so disappointed to find out teen spirit now smells like Axe body spray
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn
Dear Victoria's Secret engineers. Bubble wrap panties..... make it happen.
The first scene of Star Wars 7 should be C-3P0 waking up and saying "I just had three horrible dreams!"
Silence doesn't always mean 'Yes'. Sometimes it means "I'm tired of explaining to people who don't even care to understand."
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
Apparently the graphics are so good on the Xbox One, players will be able to see their own social anxiety disorders developing.
My 6yo thinks it's bullcrap that grown-ups don't get a summer break.
I hope the friends that haven't called me in a while know how much I appreciate that.
It’s like people don’t realise that once you’ve had children together, you can never get completely divorced.
"Today its Sunday" Forward this to 15 friends,.. within 7 days you"ll get another Sunday. it really works... One of my friends ignored it and he got Monday within 24 hours
I grew up with six sisters. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
Captains log,Stardate 3.1415926535 I seem to have a strange urge for Pie today
$3.88 until my Visa is maxed out. I'm struggling between the #4 at Burger King or shampoo. 