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Someone just said hi to me at the gas pump what the heck is their problem.... 
The biggest lie I tell myself is 'No need to write that down. I'll remember it.'
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing....
it still called a mimosa if it's with vodka and there's no champagne and it's in a flask and you're in a dumpster?
Corn mazes would be a lot more fun if they would start earlier in the growing season and make it an "All you can eat" corn-on-the-cob-fest
Women keep saying they aren't looking for casual sex. That's no problem. I'll wear a coat and tie. Or even a tux if they want.
I've never done a triathlon but I did accompany my wife to Michael's, Hobby Lobby, & Joann's to find the perfect autumn table setting.
Have we considered that millennials might be so lazy because their generation doesn't have a hit song about taking care of business?
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country
My prediction for October 2020: The Bermuda triangle starts roaming around the Earth like a giant Roomba.
Let's face it. The first thing a guy does after a woman accepts his friends request is look for bikini pics.
I gotta stop taking that Ambian for sleep. When I went to sleep we all agreed that Segregation was wrong. I woke up this morning and it’s ok again? What did I miss
BROWNS BEAT the cowgirls.. we are back
There are two points about prisoners being on death row vs the rest of us. 1. We're all on death row. 2. They get to choose what they eat before it happens.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today. Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.
*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I hear someone screaming! That's the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store...
I can always tell when a friend spent a lot on their kitchen remodel when I can't find their garbage can.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids. 