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'When we were kids, we didn't have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren't there, we would get stoned like normal people.' 
Oh and BTW, ,, Why haven't Pig Pen's parents been visited by child services yet?
It's a good thing I'm not in charge of a vote #recount . I'd charge five million bucks, wait a week, and say "We're done. It's the same as the first time."
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only.
Gee, Judging by the lack of smiles on peoples faces today .... A lot of Valentine's wishes went unanswered.
Hollywood actors praising themselves...The Oscars smh
Just bought a crap load of staples from Staples. Headed to Dick's now.....
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn't pee on his fingers.
I’m already an idiot, I just need a village
think about this. if you put a banana down you have to put it on its side. but if you slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why I don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I’m going to start following my dogs lead and bite some ankles when you get too close to me.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her. She bought me eye drops.
Think I've been staying home isolating for too long as I just watched a Hallmark holiday Christmas movie in its entirety and I actually thought it wasn't corny.
kicked out of the bowling alley for dribbling again
My Grandmother is telling me a story of how my Grandfather turned into a sex machine after he got Alzheimer’s bc he thought she was his hot new girlfriend and would tell her, “you’re nothing like that hellcat I was married to”
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence. Is this true? I have my doubts.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
You don't have insomnia, you have a f#cked up sleeping pattern.
Yes, m@sturbation is a pleasant, yet quick diversion. Scratching one's own b@lls however, can provide hours and hours of limitless entertainment. At least that's what my dad says. 