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It's a good thing I'm not in charge of a vote #recount . I'd charge five million bucks, wait a week, and say "We're done. It's the same as the first time." 
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only.
Gee, Judging by the lack of smiles on peoples faces today .... A lot of Valentine's wishes went unanswered.
Hollywood actors praising themselves...The Oscars smh
Just bought a crap load of staples from Staples. Headed to Dick's now.....
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn't pee on his fingers.
Drink Bacardi while you workout and call it Bacardio
I hope instagram is still around in 10 years so I can show my kids what my food looked like in 2013
Day 4 of no alcohol: Morale is low. I just drank some eye drops.
Why is sorting "Price: High to Low" even an option
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
So tired I just ignored a fly walking on my face like I was in an 80's hunger commercial.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can't hit a baseball."
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
College wall posts, Welcome back students. Sex is not allowed in the dorm rooms. The students are like, " Yeah Right "
Forgot to wear my Sons of Anarchy shirt to Walmart again.
I am wondering if female squirrells only get 80% of the acorns that males get
You don't have insomnia, you have a f#cked up sleeping pattern.
Yes, m@sturbation is a pleasant, yet quick diversion. Scratching one's own b@lls however, can provide hours and hours of limitless entertainment. At least that's what my dad says. 