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Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it's on. 
I wish "you dumbass" was an appropriate way to end a work email
Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.
I hope all you moms out there had a great Mother's Day! (If you're not a mom but would like to be, message me for details)
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I'm done picking my nose, I'm gonna smile and wave.
After 4 crappy cruises,Carnival Cruise Lines should just change their slogan to "Still better than the Titanic!!!"
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That's why I'm happier than you
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
With great power comes a great electric bill
I have just painted a blue square on the garden to trick people viewing Google Earth into thinking I have a swimming pool!
Well that's a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I'm doing
If steroids and other performance enhancing drugs are illegal for athletes, shouldn't Photoshop be illegal for models?
NEW FACEBOOK GAME: Message me your bank account or credit card number & I will post which bill I paid with it, as my status.
It's a good thing I'm not a cellar-master for a winery, because I'd be terrible at my job. "This wine is going to taste so good in like 6 years...or, we could pop this b*tch open right now..."
Life is funny. Well, yours is. To me.
Vodka is made from potatoes. Which means once upon a time, someone looked a potato and figured out how to drink it, Genius!
It might be fat Tuesday today, but I'm fat everyday. So what's the big deal.
Bi-polar Wednesday - that day where you fluctuate between, "WooHoo, the week is half over" and "Oh crap, the week is only half over.
The courthouse is a really great place to see people with neck tattoos wearing ties. 