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What do I like most about people? Their dogs.... 
Subpoena...Such a silly word. Sounds like a term used to describe a man who is below average downstairs.
One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe? optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I want Pizza not your opinion
David Hasselhoff's illegitimate child
like Houdini . . . uses a lot of trap doors in his acts, but I think i'm just going through a stage.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now
Doesn't have a drinking problem, he drinks he, gets drunk, he falls down, no probablem....
Other than changing your email to something other than jizzbucket4u@gmail.com, I'd say your resume looks pretty good.
My phone is on its 4th charge for the day. So don't talk to me about commitment.
When it comes to self-absorption, you’re like a sponge.
Introduce yourself with a famous last name on the first day of any new job. Go quiet when asked if you're related to a celebrity so they'll be nice to you.
1) Scroll to the bottom of your Facebook page. 2) On the bottom left corner, click English: US. 3) When the language selection appears, click English: Pirate. 4) watch what happens.
having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think ive remembered this before.
Judge me all you want... just keep the verdict to yourself 