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If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard 
I don't understand people who update their status every 10 minutes to show their friends how exciting their life's are, which are probably not as exciting as they claim if they're staring at Facebook all the time.
I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Don't make me fall in love with your aloof disregard for my existence
My inner self is in Photoshop
I really hate conflict........unless you guys like it,in that case I love it.
NOAH didn't put spiders and insects on the ARK . They snuck in and hid like they do in your house..
If you leave me a voicemail that asks me to call you back when I get this message,you have nobody to blame but yourself.save your breath send a text.lol😀
Who called them "homo erectus" and not... Wait, that's actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them "homo erectus".
rubix cube: the original fidget toy
Q:Do yo want to know how to tell if you're listening to a Jason Derulo song? A: He will tell you in the first 19 seconds.
One of the best feelings ever:
Waking up and seeing you still have a couple more hours to sleep.
[at an orgy] I'm starting to think that I'm the only one taking this book club seriously
My wife thinks I'm too nosey.....at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.
"I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."
I've been building my son's trust for two yrs with high-fives. Today I'm going to hit him with a "too slow". Welcome to the real world, son.
Facebook: Here's some other people you might know Me: Oh yes! I do know them! Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? :) Me: oh God no
Me: I've been thinking about getting a buzz cut Barber: I don't think you could pull it off Me: Well no, you'd have to cut it off
E-thugs. Because talking shiit in person is dangerous.
Dating is like garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need. 