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I get it fireworks, people set me off too. 
" You know your life sucks when you have to have three jobs just to keep up to being poor."
Some days I survive, other days I don't. It's no big deal either way.
Well...to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
If we meet in public and you don't look like your pictures ,you owe me booze until you do.
Life is an ever expanding list of things that you used to enjoy.
The key to success is concentration, a skill which can be learned with - oh wow, that cloud looks like Snoopy!
[first trip on a cruise liner] CAPTAIN: welcome! only rule here is: loose lips sink ships ME: {throws Mick Jagger overboard}
Oregon Trail was the only game that made dying of dysentery hilarious.
Builds elaborate structures while playing Fortnite. Can't make own bed in real life.
Some people are like that annoying advert that suddenly cuts in the middle of a viral video.
Loving and all these Christmas photos you're posting of your families who look as joyous and festive as the family who came with a picture frame I bought a while ago, who I also don't know.
For sale: Slightly used Christmas tree. Can pick up in front of neighbors house.
In this cold weather, it's hard to give people the finger when you're wearing mittens.
I wish having a friend with benefits meant I had a friend who'd be willing to marry me so I wouldn't have to keep paying dearly for my own insurance.
If any part of your life is "ultra", I don't have the energy to be friends with you...
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Pavlov’s hair wasn’t always silky. He had to condition it.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook. 