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Some girls don't like to walk in the rain because it puts their face back to the default factory settings... 
I may be broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of meth addicts; BUT I'm better off than the armless guy watching porn.
My Deep Thought: Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants. When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.
If anyone actually believed the polls, there would be no rioting.
Your gonna send your kid to school with a Paw Patrol mask and he’s gonna come home with a Spider-Man one cause he traded it at lunch. Next day the whole school will be shut down.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house …without stopping.
*feeling chest pain* probably need more pie
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I planned to work out and have a nice body for people to look at this summer, but then I remembered I like food more than I like people...
Guys, never give up. If a girl doesn't reply to your text, call her. If she doesn't answer, knock on her door. They love a persistent man.
I have a feeling that whoever coined the phrase "it's what's on the inside that matters" was talking about drug mules.
I'm a man of my word, and that word is unreliable.
I'm coming out with a workout video called "Beached Whale Body". It's just a video of me sitting on my recliner with my computer on my lap and phone in hand.
You can check if you are a Highlander or not by saying "There can be only one" and checking to see if all the glass near you breaks.
Someone in the office just said Game of Thrones is overrated and I accidentally stapled his tongue to my desk.
I feel like I haven't seen Lady Gaga wearing a hat of various meats and cheeses in a long time................. Hope she's ok
Just had a box of apple juice and an Oreo because I may be 40 on the outside, but on the inside I'm dying from my poor choices.
Trying to find a wacky way to kill you so that maybe the jury will laugh and let me off 