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Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever. 
You’re not really supposed to do this, but this is what I do. Me: Training a new person at work.
The Supreme Court is like regular court, except it comes with sour cream and tomatoes.
Hello, 911? The oldies station is playing the Backstreet Boys again.
CDC: Covid is more deadly when people are obese. Gov: “Close The Gyms!”
I don’t understand why people buy wipes for eyeglasses. I’m confused. Wait, hold up. How many of you just use your shirttail like a real person?
Our power went down for nearly 4 hours. I got hungry, panicked and almost resorted to cannibalism. You guys are lucky the power came back on when it did, because some of you look delicious.
My favorite queso is the one you keep around for emergencies, just in queso.
Tommy Lee Jones ~ always has a look on his face, like his son just told him that he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
It’s safe to unplug your Christmas lights until next year.
I’m like an avocado, I’m only pleasant for a short period of time and it’s up to you to figure out when that is.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant and filled with darkness.
Cats are my favorite animal, because no matter where you fall on the food chain, a cat will smack the crap out of you.
Oops, my bad. Thought I was dealing with an adult.
(Overheard from the other room) 8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich? Grandma: Did you eat all your supper? 8yo: No. Grandma: Just one then. 😂
Anyone: Do you sleep with a fan? Me: I’d say my wife mostly likes me, but “fan” is pushing it. 😁
Death Row Guard: What would you like for your last meal? Condemned Woman: I don’t know, what do you want?
I would slap the crap out of you, but there would be nothing left.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel. Nerds takes the edge off.
You don’t become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way of being cool. This is called the Geezer’s Paradox. 