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“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table. 
I'm not sure what level we just hit on Jumanji but I vote we just play Candyland next time.
The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.
Claiming a product promotes "Weight Loss" when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming that it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
Listening to the news right now .... I'm trying to figure out which ones are the "Real" and which are the "Fake" News Channels. Some are portraying Fidel Castro as a Champion of the People. Is that considered as Real or Fake News?
This year I'm not giving up anything for Lent. I'm just giving up.
Day 3 of the flu is going well so far. I managed to brush my teeth without sneezing!!
If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
In honor of it being Friday the 13th, whenever I hear a strange noise, I'm going to investigate it braless, and wearing cute panties.
Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
I better get to sleep. I have to get up early to call in sick to work.
I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think of romance,the last thing I think of is a short,chubby child coming at me with a weapon.
Those fake living rooms at IKEA should have a couple in them trying to assemble IKEA furniture and fighting.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock against the wall in the morning is the fact that it's also my cellphone.
So I just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God I love my boobs.
I serve my "fck you's" with a smile. It just has a better effect that way. Don't you think?
My mother-in-law came to visit, I asked, "How long are you going to stay?" She said, "As long as you want me to." I said, "You're not even going to stay for coffee?"
I hate when I'm laughing & my ass falls off.
President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress? 