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If this really turns out to be the end of days there are a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses that I owe an apology to. 
Yeah, no, sorry. Not gonna do "My Corona." - Weird Al Yankovic
I'm here to announce that I too am suspending my Presidential Campaign. I want to thank all my supporters and the one or two of you that even knew that I was running.
I can't wait to one day tell my grand kids, "When I was your age, toilet paper was everywhere! You could find all over the place, even in gas station food marts1"
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Day 17 of isolation: still have food and toilet paper. Also, notice a small flock of very large birds are circling overhead, watching over me in a protective manner.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Life hack: Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Dear Cupid, Next time hit both.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year-old.
They say the average adult has sex 54x a year. So, this should be a heck of a 3 months!
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
Thanksgiving is coming...time to set the weigh scale ahead 8 lbs.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids. 