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Today's Tip: Look at each failure as a deposit made into the account that will help you write the check for your next significant success. 
Have you ever been to Medieval Times? I like Medieval Times, but if they wanted to have a real medieval experience, they would knock out half your teeth and give you food that would give you dysentery.
What to do when your partner is snoring? Simply push them off the bed with your feet and shout, “Did you feel that earthquake” when they fall to the floor.
Uranus, a town in Missouri has a news paper call The Uranus Examiner
look on the bright side...Bill Cosby is gonna get a lot of Jell-o
If you get a friend request from me...I have not been hacked, maybe I am just lonely and trying to be your friend a 2nd time.
Adulting fail #86: Turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking nothing for the last 20 minutes.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Supermoon was OK... But according to Rotten Tomatoes, still way better than Supermoon v Batmoon.
What if Ghosts try to kill you only because they want you as a friend? You ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I'll be home for Christmas.....and in therapy by New Years.
Things Irish people simply won't do on St. Patrick's Day: 1) Drink green beer. 2) Twerk with leprechauns. 3) Spend $40 on dollar store stuff.
My girlfriend asked me when I last had s ex with someone that wasn't her. I said.... "back in '06". It sounds much better than "June"
Behind every boss there are employees wondering if going to prison for felony assault would really be all that bad...
Grew up in the south so for me a fancy restaurant was a place that offered you the choice of biscuit or cornbread.
And when I die, this will all be yours...... *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags
I'm 100% convinced that for every sock that is lost in the dryer one comes back as an extra Tupperware lid
Q-Tips. The only product that warns you against its only use.
come on folks.... bring on the funnies
"Erectile Dysfunction" is such a harsh term. Why not just call it "Sleepy Peepee?" 