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[Leaving the drive thru] Fries: Can’t you even wait until you get home? Stop that. I said stop! Noooo... 
I realized I wasn't my parents favorite kid when they ask me to help blow up ballonns for my twin brother's surprise birthday party.
Every time I get a headache I imagine it's because someone wants me to get in bed with them.
Hey, if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
Be the reason someone smiles today
Can't talk right now. I am interfering in the local high school student gov't election.
If you lend a friend some money and you never see them again. It probably was worth it.
I just saw an elderly couple kissing passionately and I thought to myself, I want that... ...to stop immediately.
Maybe when God was creating the centipede he fell asleep with his elbow on the Leg button
What am I supposed to do with all this coal?
This bird flu thing is still pretty scary. I spent an hour last night rubbing Vicks Vapo-rub on my parakeet.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Pringles chips tubes need to be more like push pops we have the technology
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
IS: We are reluctantly laying off all suicide bombers , due to insufficient crowd sizes.
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Remember when eating tide pods was considered crazy
I read somewhere that people in the Middle Ages celebrated the end of the plague with orgies. I wonder if anyone has planned anything after this epidemic? 