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If Santa Claus had a FB account,,,, none of us would get presents. 
Putin has an 82% approval rating. The other 18% will be dead soon.
The only person excited to find out about Hillary's Body Double is Bill Clinton.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a girl .... Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a heck of a lot more pepper spray in them.
Do we lazy people go to hell OR do they send someone to pick us up?
Apparently you will need a firearm license before purchasing the Note 7 replacement
I work as a waiter. The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.
For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I’m being stalked
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you'll get at the way people park in the real word.
Just saw a lady walking down the street who looked like she was made out of 80% boot and 20% scarf.
I've noticed that if you remove the vowels from the word "FEMALE" it spells FML.
You know it's going to be a crappy day when it starts with sneezing while brushing your teeth
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
“It’s the little things in life that make you laugh,” my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets at Walmart.
You know you're ugly when my dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg.
I'm trying to get a grip on reality and when I do, I'm going to choke the living snot out of it.
The point in making a point is to actually make a point,
Deja poo. The feeling that you've been through this crap before
What do you get a girl who has everything ? Penicillin 