Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

   My girlfriend asked me when I last had s ex with someone that wasn't her. I said.... "back in '06". It sounds much better than "June"

   Behind every boss there are employees wondering if going to prison for felony assault would really be all that bad...

   Grew up in the south so for me a fancy restaurant was a place that offered you the choice of biscuit or cornbread.

   And when I die, this will all be yours...... *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   I'm 100% convinced that for every sock that is lost in the dryer one comes back as an extra Tupperware lid

   Q-Tips. The only product that warns you against its only use.

   come on folks.... bring on the funnies

   "Erectile Dysfunction" is such a harsh term. Why not just call it "Sleepy Peepee?"

   Dating site for pyromaniacs: Match.com

   Winter storm named Grayson sounds like it should be wearing a tweed jacket

   Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need more space to hang my clothes

   What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use my bank account?

   Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!

   I just tried to pull my sleeve up and accidentally punched myself.its ok though,I've had it coming for some time now.

   Origami was invented by a guy who kept running out of toilet paper

   I have my headphones on at the Gym, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart

   I think the best way to fight insomnia is redecorate my bedroom to look like Ms. Stewart's 10th grade math class

   AA meetings would be less boring if you could drink at them.

   I'd like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."